One year & two babies later I am still here…. although you probably thought I had fallen off the edge of the earth. I didn’t… it’s just been a busy year & a half. Yes, two babies, twins in fact! Fraternal twin girls born in June… the loves of my life & my reasons for being.
Also, the reasons why my last post was in September 2013. To get here, however, we must go back there. I am amazed that I actually posted as much as I did leading up to the fall of 2013. I was tired, I was discouraged & quite frankly, didn’t have a lot of motivation for anything. I wasn’t cooking or taking photos…
It seemed like everyone we knew had just had a baby or had one on the way, everyone but us. Friend after friend announced they were expecting & I have to admit I had some pretty serious meltdowns after a couple of those announcements. I was happy about these babies but my happiness for my friends & family was always tainted by my disappointment that it wasn’t our baby. I avoided baby showers like the plague. In fact, I avoided most situations where there might be babies or talk of babies. We had been trying for three years & still no baby. We continually got the question “So, when are you guys going to have kids?” We often answered this question by saying “Soon, we hope….” or “We’re working on it…” Without meaning to, people were often insensitive towards our situation… I can’t tell you how many times people told me to just relax & then it would happen! I was often bitter that it was so seemingly easy for other people to get pregnant & so hard for us. It was a heartbreaking time for me.
I read book after book about dealing with infertility (I had already been through all the ones on how to get pregnant). A couple of these books actually helped me deal with my feelings & one, which my husband & I both read, was quite humourous. I joined an infertility support group because I thought that talking to other women who understood what I was going through might help. I met some amazing & courageous women. They got me through some really tough months & situations & I will be forever grateful for that.
I bought a rabbit, thinking he might fill the void in my heart, my need to nurture something. My husband was a little surprised by the new addition… I never told him about Clover until I had him home!! Clover was a wonderful, funny little bunny… He made me feel like I had a purpose. I had a reason to rush home from work & someone to look after. He made me laugh & smile daily with his silly antics. I realized shortly after I got Clover that I probably should have gotten him a lot sooner than I did. But he was a sick little bunny & had been from the day I brought him home although I didn’t know it at the time (I won’t tell you how much I paid in vet bills trying to help my little bun). Clover had major dental issues & he was ultimately too sick for me to let him continue to suffer…
By the time I got Clover we had been patients at a fertility clinic for over a year & had failure after failure. Our nurses (& doctors), who I saw on a sometimes daily basis, were wonderful people who encouraged us not to give up hope & to stay positive. Many days, this was a challenge in itself. Three false positives had really taken its toll on me. In September 2013 we were gearing up for an expensive IVF cycle, for which we had no medical coverage. I was a hormonal & emotional mess. Could we afford this? What if it didn’t work? Then what? Would we do it again? Could I handle yet another heartbreak? I cried a lot. I had a lot of meltdowns. I gave myself shots. I had so much blood work done my arms were black & blue. We did the procedure (I am greatly simplifying everything here). I prayed that we would be successful.
Thankfully, our story has a happy ending. In November, we found out I was pregnant & in December, we found out it was twins (a possibility we were fully prepared for!). At Christmas, we finally let everyone know our good news. Except for immediate family & some close friends, most people had no idea we had struggled so much or went to such great lengths to start the family we wanted. At the time, I didn’t want to talk about it because, really, it was no one else’s business!! People already asked us enough when we were going to have kids, I didn’t want everyone knowing we were going through fertility treatments. I didn’t want anyone else getting their hopes up that this month might be the month. It was hard enough for me to manage my own expectations without having to deal with other peoples. Now though, I’m not afraid or embarrassed to talk about how our family came to be (although infertility issues do seem to be a taboo subject for many people). We may have taken a different route & required a little medical help, but our girls are miracles just like any other baby that comes into this world. I will tell people straight up what we went through because infertility is far more common than most people realize. If by talking about our experience, I can make another woman feel less alone or bring awareness to the issue, then please, ask me if our twins are natural or if they run in the family! If I am in a hurry (which I usually am with twins) I may tell you that there are twins on my husband’s side (which actually had NO bearing on whether or not we would have twins) & leave it at that. We were lucky that we could afford to proceed with IVF (when other options had not worked for us) & that it was successful on our first try. Many people go down this lonely, isolating & expensive road two, three, five or more times with no success.
Although we had a hard time getting there, I, thankfully, had no major complications during my pregnancy. I was tired, (exhausted actually), I was achy, I was swollen, I couldn’t see my feet, I couldn’t sleep… but other than that, I was good. I actually loved being pregnant… It was what I had wanted for so long that I cherished every minute. There had been a time when I thought I might never experience being pregnant so I was thrilled when I couldn’t fit into my normal clothes & didn’t mind that I gained almost 75 pounds with my girls (but I must admit it was a little scary the day I surpassed 200 pounds on the scale!).
In late June, at 37 weeks, 2 days, we welcomed our two beautiful daughters into this world, weighing 5lbs 15oz & 5lbs 4oz. All of the struggle & heartache we endured was wiped away in an instant as soon as we saw their sweet faces. It had all been more than worth it.
Fast forward to present day. Our girls were six months old at Christmas & are the funniest little people! They bring me such joy, make me so happy & make me laugh on a daily basis. I am complete because of these two little girls. My whole life I knew that I wanted to be a mother… now that I am here, I know that this is what I was meant to do. Raising twins does come with its challenges (especially with my husband on the road as much as he is) & yes, I have my hands full, but I wouldn’t trade my life with these girls for anything.
The girls & I have a good routine established & I find myself with a little more time to myself, a little extra time to get back to posting. So, get ready for more of the usual BS… & a lot more about twins!